Face-Lift

I have been looking for a hobby to engage in during my “me time” when the boys are sleeping. The more I have been thinking about a hobby, the more my brain has become exhausted in thought. I thought to myself, “why not write it all down then?” So I did. Writing is such sweet therapy. It is freeing. No one interrupts. Writing was a favorite activity of mine while in school. I always had a journal or diary. My friend’s and I wrote letters back and forth in notebooks. I even kept a poetry and song book for a while. I used to spend so much of my time putting a tune to these poems while singing aloud and strumming on my guitar alone in my bedroom. My guitar has been sitting in a closet since I have moved to Minnesota 3 ½ years ago.

Minnesota. I have such a love-hate relationship with this place. It is gorgeous and clean! I get to experience all 4 seasons here, which includes a “white Christmas” that I have dreamed of ever since I was a tiny girl. The people are lovely and so warm. There are so many indoor options for those who don’t like to sweat and be baked by the sun like me. Then there are trees and lakes everywhere you look! Only 2 miles from my house (maybe less) there is a beautiful regional park where I can take a stroll down a paved path under the shade of 100+ year old trees decorated along Lake Independence. Oh bliss! Education is highly regarded here and the schools are clean, bright, and a joy to spend time in. Oh, how I long to be back in a classroom. I could see myself having a wonderful career in education here. Living in Minnesota is like living in a dream. There’s one problem, however; everything that I have been my entire life, everyone I have ever loved, every memory I have ever made and that has shaped me, dwells in a different state than I now live. I feel lonely, even a bit lost.

I began a new chapter when we moved away. I had been in school, had been working full time, and had been heavily involved in service within a faith community. These past 3 ½ years have been so new, so different for me. When Gregg and I moved to Minnesota, we were single and free for a short time. I enjoyed the slower pace that I hadn’t experienced since I was young. The over ambitious side of me gave in to future dreams of becoming a mom. The desire to be a mom was deep and was there as long as I could remember. It must be the right time. I had nothing else going on…

I was the one who couldn’t wait to be a mother. I was the one that exclaimed that I was ready without a doubt! I wanted to share my extra time with sweet babies who needed me, and who I could pour into. Like many, I heard it said that it was a HUGE responsibility, one that took your attention 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. I was sure I could do it. I knew it was time.

“Knowing” with your head and truly understanding something are separate entities. I am learning to realize that truth. I knew that having kids would change my life. I knew that having kids would take up time. I knew that babies required sacrifice.

I have given up so much for my kids. And although it is cliché, I truly would not change having them for anything. My life has been written by God long ago, and I truly believe that He filters the events that happen in my life. Nothing comes that hasn’t passed through Him. What I am realizing though is that everything in life does not come easy and without work. I have had difficult times so far in life, but nothing compares to being a mom. It’s hard work! Way harder than working towards a B.A. or a teaching license ever was.

I will wrap this little therapy writing session up by sharing that I struggle as a young stay-at-home mom. I feel better about myself when I shower, put on makeup, and get out. Yet, I don’t always have time or energy for getting ready, and honestly, I don’t feel like it’s worth it most days when I stay at home and wipe noses and get spit up on all day.

I conclude admitting that my attitude needs a tune up. The very One who made me, knows me intimately and personally, inner and future thoughts, wants me to change my outlook on life. The ironic thing is that I know this, but I have not let it change me yet. I have not let that knowledge transform my thinking. There is a disconnect between my head and heart.

Life goes on, so I will continue on this journey and plan to write as I travel along. Feel free to travel along side of me as I get an attitude face-lift and figure out these ups, and more frequent downs, in my current life.