Lessons in Reality

Fact. I was NEVER going to have those kids. You know, the ones who talk back to their mom or throw a tantrum in public, or refuse to listen when given instructions. For sure my kids were going to behave ALL OF THE TIME because they were going to have a consistent and regimented mom. They weren't going to have a mom who didn't care and let them walk all over.

Fact. I was NEVER going to be that mom. You know, the mom who buys a small toy to get their child out of the toy store without a fight, or the one who bribes with treats to spur on eating. Oh, and I was NEVER going to have to count to 3 because they were going to listen the FIRST time.

Reality. I have done all that is listed above (and more!). Children are not going to do EVERYTHING you ask of them. Children are not robots. They are little sinners! Okay, that is harsh. But, in reality they are individuals, and individuals have their own brains, bodies, and feelings.

I am still navigating this whole mom thing (that's for sure), but I have come to realize that all good moms must have a tool box to pull from. This box should include people, as well as tricks. Don't try to navigate this parenting thing alone or with worn out, ineffective tools. Ask people for advice. Try new things. Being a mom is a minute by minute journey. Do what you need to do to have a happy, healthy home. If that means you turn on a movie to have 20 minutes of down time for you and the kids, then, by all means, do it! Use that time to pray and recharge. You are not a bad mom if you do this, regardless of what experts say. You are merely using your tools.

Happy building!

Clean

Both of my children are afraid of the vacuum. That is why I have to put off some of my cleaning for when I can be alone. Moms, isn't it wonderful to clean without being interrupted? I get so much done in so little time. Cleaning is definitely one of my favorite things to do for alone time.

So, now as I write, I have a sense of accomplishment, fulfillment, and peace. I sit with a sense of relief. I have a clean home. I can finally rest and enjoy my night. This idea of feeling calm and peaceful got me thinking. I always think metaphorically. It is one of the things I like most about myself. :)

When we are clean and pure, we can be calm, still, quiet, and fulfilled. When we try to go on with life pushing things to the side and deciding we'll deal with our "dirt" later, the weight of that "dirt" lies heavily on our minds and lives whether we like it or not.

So, what do you need to clean today? What haven't you brought to our gracious God and asked forgiveness for? I love when God teaches you something in the still and quiet of your content heart. He has whispered to me the very thing I challenge you all with. He didn't have to shout or wait for me to feel frustrated or desperate. He used a wonderful, quiet night of cleaning. God is good. Would you agree?

I'd like to make a shout out to my wonderful husband who cooked and cleaned up dinner, took the boys outside to play, and then gave them a bath. We both deserve to enjoy the rest of the night and celebrate our accomplishments.

Thankful

Things have been a bit bumpy for me lately. I have been letting my emotions get the best of me. Boy do I need to grow in patience!!

Today is a brand new, beautiful day. I am not expecting a perfect day, for I know those don't exist. However, I am hoping to keep my cool and enjoy the peace and promises God has for me, instead of listening to the lies of the enemy that have crippled my mind lately.

As I was listening to my little boy play in the bathtub this morning, I felt nothing more than joy and thankfulness. God has entrusted me to be his mom. I am privileged to be called "mommy."

A dear friend of mine has been longing to get pregnant for some time now, so that she too could be called "mommy." I made the mistake of taking that position for granted in the past. There were even low moments when I wished to switch lives with this friend for the freedom to travel and for a career in teaching. How silly. That day will come. And I will enjoy it all the more when it gets here. For now, I will continue to work on growing as a woman after God's own heart. He has so much more to do in me. I am thankful God is using this stage as a young mother to show me my flaws and to continue to weave in me the strong character He longs for me to establish.

Oh, it's a journey alright. I am thankful for every moment. Well, almost... ;)

Be Encouraged Today

There are hints of orange and yellow beginning to turn up on the leaves surrounding our home. I am in love! In time, it will completely erupt into a sea of autumn bliss! Visually, I am ecstatic. Internally, I am reminded of a truth. 

Life brings changes. Life has seasons. If you focus merely on the fact that things are different or that change has occurred, you might miss the beauty of the season. Again, I understand this concept well, but do I always live it out? Sadly, no; but I am working at it.

This morning I was encouraged as I was reading in Colossians 1 and 2. God’s LIVING Word always speaks to you right where you need it, doesn’t it? Colossians 1:23 states, “You must continue to believe this truth and stand firmly in it. Don’t drift away from the assurance you received when you heard the Good News.”

A friend of mine, her sister, and their families, are going through an immense amount of pain right now as they wait for their mom to heal from septic shock, a thyroid storm, loss of consciousness, internal infections, heart issues, and more. I couldn’t imagine this kind of agony. She is hanging on, but only God knows the end to the story. What they wouldn't give for more time and more seasons with their mom...Won't you join me in prayer for her healing? Pray for my dear friend and her sister and loved ones. Pray for the doctor’s wisdom and sharp hands. 

I am encouraged knowing my troubles are only temporary. This season I will choose to turn to God when the lies seep in. Oh, there will be days when I’d rather whine and stay down, but I will be reminded when I re read these words, and through support and encouragement from you, that God’s truth is transforming and oh so encouraging. 

“We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better” (Colossians 1: 9-10). This is my focus and my goal.

Here’s to a new season. Happy fall everyone!

Rejoice!

I have been mildly depressed for some time now. After many discussions with my mom and husband who had witnessed this swing in my daily mood at the beginning of the year, I decided to go see my doctor. Evan was only a couple of months old at this time. I asked her questions about whether or not it was just hormones acting up from having a baby, and if I would feel back to normal soon.

With one child, you have so many freedoms still. Breastfeeding had subsided when Asher was 8 weeks due to a milk protein intolerance. We are still figuring out exactly what this means for him. At the time though, it meant freedom. I could go out with my husband. Finishing my schooling and teaching license was not a problem. I enjoyed the quiet drive and the time I spent with the other ladies in class.Come fall, I student taught full time. That meant I basically had the same hours in the classroom and at home as a full time teacher. Of course this meant much sacrifice was made by all; myself, my husband, my baby, and my amazing mom who came to live with us for those 4 ½ months. Still, I had my own life. Now with two, things have changed. I still haven’t fully adjusted to this new life.

While chatting with my doctor about options, she shared that talking things out with a therapist might be of some good. I decided I wasn’t ready for that. Ever since I was a young girl I never really liked to open up much to people, so opening up to a stranger, even if they are a professional, was unattractive to me. Instead, I decided to go with a low-dose medication to help stabilize my moods.

I was weary at first, but I do believe it has been of some help for me. The biggest problem is that it stabilizes the “highs” as well. It seems that it takes a lot more for me to get excited about things now. I kind of just float through the day hoping that nothing too difficult or bad happens with me and the kids. A good day is a simple day in most cases.

Still, there are those special days that seem to keep a smile on my face all day. I had one of those special kind of days yesterday. Yesterday, our town, Maple Plain, celebrated 100 years of existence! There was a Centennial celebration filled with family and kid activities down Main Street and at the local Community Center where Asher takes his Early Childhood Education Classes. 

We spent the day as a family and Asher marveled in the excitement of the day. The talented Olivia Torgerson painted a tiger’s face upon my sweet two year old’s face. You heard a “Rawr!” everywhere he went after that. We concluded the morning fun with a community parade and after his long afternoon nap Gregg and I decided to head out to dinner for a “date night.” We chose McDonalds, or as Asher says, “Old McDonalds!” We celebrated in his accomplishments of getting his little legs up and through the climbing steps and tunnels to the the very tip-top. We laughed and cheered and, yes, smiled. We ended the night with a family movie and snuggles on the sofa. I only heard about half of the movie, but the sweet sounds from my children filled my heart. I love it that Asher giggles at Baby Evan's chattering. 

For now my attitude has not changed much overall. In fact, this morning I admit that I was a tad bit grumpy. It’s a process, I keep telling myself. More rejoicing in the simple things like yesterday with my family is a great start.

I often look at the verse on our bedroom wall. It reads, “Rejoice in the Lord always!” (Phil 4:4) Boy is that a hard thing to do. 

Face-Lift

I have been looking for a hobby to engage in during my “me time” when the boys are sleeping. The more I have been thinking about a hobby, the more my brain has become exhausted in thought. I thought to myself, “why not write it all down then?” So I did. Writing is such sweet therapy. It is freeing. No one interrupts. Writing was a favorite activity of mine while in school. I always had a journal or diary. My friend’s and I wrote letters back and forth in notebooks. I even kept a poetry and song book for a while. I used to spend so much of my time putting a tune to these poems while singing aloud and strumming on my guitar alone in my bedroom. My guitar has been sitting in a closet since I have moved to Minnesota 3 ½ years ago.

Minnesota. I have such a love-hate relationship with this place. It is gorgeous and clean! I get to experience all 4 seasons here, which includes a “white Christmas” that I have dreamed of ever since I was a tiny girl. The people are lovely and so warm. There are so many indoor options for those who don’t like to sweat and be baked by the sun like me. Then there are trees and lakes everywhere you look! Only 2 miles from my house (maybe less) there is a beautiful regional park where I can take a stroll down a paved path under the shade of 100+ year old trees decorated along Lake Independence. Oh bliss! Education is highly regarded here and the schools are clean, bright, and a joy to spend time in. Oh, how I long to be back in a classroom. I could see myself having a wonderful career in education here. Living in Minnesota is like living in a dream. There’s one problem, however; everything that I have been my entire life, everyone I have ever loved, every memory I have ever made and that has shaped me, dwells in a different state than I now live. I feel lonely, even a bit lost.

I began a new chapter when we moved away. I had been in school, had been working full time, and had been heavily involved in service within a faith community. These past 3 ½ years have been so new, so different for me. When Gregg and I moved to Minnesota, we were single and free for a short time. I enjoyed the slower pace that I hadn’t experienced since I was young. The over ambitious side of me gave in to future dreams of becoming a mom. The desire to be a mom was deep and was there as long as I could remember. It must be the right time. I had nothing else going on…

I was the one who couldn’t wait to be a mother. I was the one that exclaimed that I was ready without a doubt! I wanted to share my extra time with sweet babies who needed me, and who I could pour into. Like many, I heard it said that it was a HUGE responsibility, one that took your attention 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. I was sure I could do it. I knew it was time.

“Knowing” with your head and truly understanding something are separate entities. I am learning to realize that truth. I knew that having kids would change my life. I knew that having kids would take up time. I knew that babies required sacrifice.

I have given up so much for my kids. And although it is cliché, I truly would not change having them for anything. My life has been written by God long ago, and I truly believe that He filters the events that happen in my life. Nothing comes that hasn’t passed through Him. What I am realizing though is that everything in life does not come easy and without work. I have had difficult times so far in life, but nothing compares to being a mom. It’s hard work! Way harder than working towards a B.A. or a teaching license ever was.

I will wrap this little therapy writing session up by sharing that I struggle as a young stay-at-home mom. I feel better about myself when I shower, put on makeup, and get out. Yet, I don’t always have time or energy for getting ready, and honestly, I don’t feel like it’s worth it most days when I stay at home and wipe noses and get spit up on all day.

I conclude admitting that my attitude needs a tune up. The very One who made me, knows me intimately and personally, inner and future thoughts, wants me to change my outlook on life. The ironic thing is that I know this, but I have not let it change me yet. I have not let that knowledge transform my thinking. There is a disconnect between my head and heart.

Life goes on, so I will continue on this journey and plan to write as I travel along. Feel free to travel along side of me as I get an attitude face-lift and figure out these ups, and more frequent downs, in my current life.